Finding My Footing

We left our oldest son at our house for a few hours last night in pursuit of our youngest son at our Heavenly Father's house. The doctrine of Forever Families is beautiful, and it is real.

(Shiloh's burial outfit, sewn by his Great Aunt Gaylene Teshima)


Blaine and I watched a beautiful family bless their newest addition on Father's Day. . .I saw a father bursting with pride pick up his child dressed in white and give her a name and a blessing. And I felt robbed. Tears rolled down my husband's face and my own. An hour later I sat watching the grandmother of this baby hold her with such tender care. A grandmother who in her own life had lost as we had. . .twice.
I stopped feeling robbed--and started feeling blessed. She speaks the language of loss, whose vernacular I am becoming acquainted with. And the thought came that maybe I could be for someone else what this woman has been for me. I am so grateful for her.
Do you think it happenstance that her path crossed mine at this point in the journey?
Do you think it chance that I crossed yours?

I don't.

We are His Hands.
(click here)

Lacing My Boots

Sorry I disappeared. To the observer, I've been busy--but I feel numb inside. Like someone rubbed Novocaine on my brain. It's different than I thought it would be. Grief, that is.

It doesn't have definitive boundaries--no starts and stops. It just stretches on and on. Not that you are sad all the time--heavens no. I'm not Eeyore with a perpetual thunderstorm over my head (sorry, the nearly 3 year old is way into his Pooh and Friends puzzles, must have been on my mind. What a whiz kid. 25 piece puzzles are child's play for this boy. sorry, tangent.)

No, grief is different. No two experiences are the exact same. And no one can tell you how to grieve because each of us experience and interpret things differently. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, annoyance--they tell you it is normal to experience these things. But the fact is there isn't anything normal about this. The crying I expected--every morning, every night, sometimes in between for the heck of it. And even the aching emptiness--longing for a baby to hold, breaking anew when I walk past the baby section of a store, or hear a baby cry. But the nightmares, the questioning, the flashbacks--like salt in a wound that refuses to heal. This may sound awful but sometimes I just wish it could all go away. (Que the Toys-R-Us theme please and pour me a bowl of Trix. ugh.) At other moments it feels surreal. Did I really go through this? Does my life history now include the death of a child. . .a son. . .a beautiful son?

Yes. This is your life. This is a part of you now. Face it--you're down in the valley. Put your boots on and start climbing the mountain. Besides, the view from the top will be spectacular as it always is. Then you'll go through another valley, and there will be another mountain to climb--on and on. It might feel like Everest, but it isn't. Odds are, this is conditioning for a future climb. That is life. And it is a great life.

As my neighbor back home said, 'God, don't remove the mountain--just give me the strength to climb it.'

Thank you God for the climb.

Excuse me while I go lace my boots up.

For a Friend

Shiloh brought us many miracles. One of them is the acquaintance of a family named the Knickerbockers.

Amanda and Peter Knickerbocker welcomed their darling daughter into this world at the ripe ole' age of 24 weeks. Like us, they live a distance from the NICU where their little princess has been fighting for her life for months now. This week marks the original due date and they are enduring yet another set back that delays bringing precious Charlotte home. This little girl has beat all of the odds--can we help them over this latest speed bump?

As much as we need your prayers, they need them more. I know you won't let me down.
Thanks.

If you would like to learn more about this amazing family click here.
Then go count your many blessings.

At Least...

Sigh.

I don't fully understand why things have gone the way they have, but I respect my Heavenly Father's will and recognize that He has dealt very kindly with us.

It's like Blaine said yesterday, if everyone's problems were tossed in a pile, we would gladly dive in and retrieve our own. Our little world has been shattered and our hearts are broken, but in the grand scheme of things this isn't the worst thing that could happen and there are so many others out there suffering more. It doesn't feel that way but we know that it is true.

At least we have one another. At least we have our oldest son here with us. At least we have all of you to help us. At least we have the gospel and the knowledge that families can be forever to sustain us. At least we have the hope that we can have more children. At least our Shiloh didn't have to suffer. At least...

We are so blessed. We are so fortunate. Life is still so very good.
I have my husband Blaine and our two beautiful boys. Three miracles.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.

To My Contracting Uterus

June 11, 2010

To My Contracting Uterus,

I would like to lodge a formal complaint concerning your performance as of 10 o'clock yesterday morning. While commendable that you managed to complete in one hour what took you two weeks on your initial assignment, your failure to notify me concerning your intentions is unacceptable and reflects poorly on your otherwise clean record.
It was rather disconcerting for my husband to discover me writhing and screaming on our bathroom floor while our oldest son shrieked with delight and joined in Mommy's new game of pounding the ground with her fist. Seriously, the man has been through enough this week. Several other parties have expressed their disapproval including but not limited to my darling doctor, my friend Carol, and my father-in-law, all of which were subjected to my agonizing screams while talking to aforementioned husband on the phone.
I recognize that you have had a somewhat difficult work week, but hope that in the future we can work together and follow protocol in any and all procedures relative to your line of work. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to our future interaction.

Sincerely,
Your disgruntled owner
____________________________

Apparently I missed the memo that post-delivery uterine contractions worsen with every pregnancy. You have all failed me. Consider yourself warned.

(Go ahead and laugh. I did. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Have a great day. We love you!)

Someday

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Blog. Today.

But we don't always get what we want, do we. And I realized today that this is why I am here. I thought the last six weeks were the trial. No, unfortunately they were not. They were preparation. THIS is the trial. And while part of me wants to curl up in a corner and die, I know I am supposed to share at least parts of this journey we are taking down a road that has no maps. Maybe there is someone out there who will read this, and it will make their journey easier. Maybe it will just help me. I don't know.

Can I add a small disclaimer? I can't guarantee that this ride will be altogether pleasant. It might be like a roller-coaster ride. Ups, downs, loop-DE-loops, shooting bursts of speed, and slow climbs. Please respect that--please withhold criticism on how we choose to ride. We are feeling a little bit beat up, and even though I have agreed with God to do what he asks, I haven't agreed to share all of my life with you. Just this. Please be kind and considerate. Recognize that if we meet someday or talk on the phone, my husband and I don't have an obligation to discuss anything or answer questions we don't want to. I'm just trying to do what I am supposed to, praying it will help someone. anyone.

Yesterday morning I woke up and realized that the nightmare I had was the reality I am living. I descended into my own personal hell and let it swallow me. Eventually I emerged, grabbed my scriptures and finished reading in Moroni about how the Nephite men were fed there wives and children. Umm, ok--that wasn't quite what I was looking for. Not helpful. Round two...

I end up reading a talk by Richard C. Edgley entitled 'For Thy Good' and the following hit me like a ton of bricks.

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again.

Therefore, perhaps the challenge is to have the kind of faith during the hard times that we exercised when we first chose. The kind of faith that turns questioning and even anger into acknowledging the power, blessings, and hope that can come only from Him who is the source of all power, blessings, and hope. The kind of faith that brings the knowledge and assurances that all that we experience is part of the gospel plan and that for the righteous, all that appears wrong will eventually be made right. The peace and understanding to endure with dignity and clarity of purpose can be the sweet reward. This kind of faith can help us to see the good, even when life’s path seems to be layered only with thorns, thistles, and craggy rocks.

When Jesus and His disciples passed a man who was blind since his birth, His disciples queried, “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:2–3).

I do not believe our Father in Heaven causes the tragedies and heartbreak in our lives. But as the “works of God” were made manifest in the healing of a blind man, so also the way we face our personal trials may manifest the “works of God.”

I found his wording of the refiner's fire interesting. Because that is what this feels like. It feels like we have been lowered into a raging fire, flames licking our skin and charring us entirely. And even though we know that this fire will eventually burn out, all we can focus on are the flames. And the pain.

But as he said, all of us are burning. All of us are in pain at some point or another. The loneliest hours of our lives are universally experienced by every human soul--part of the bargain. And I realized in that moment that this fire is not meant to consume. As Hymn 85, How Firm a Foundation states:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design …
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. …

Someday this raging fire will diminish and become a glowing ember. Someday it won't hurt so bad. Someday it will all be over and we will all be together again. Someday.

I am grateful for that.

Day 39: Attitude of Gratitude

This will be my final attitude of gratitude entry.

Our precious Shiloh went home to his Heavenly Father yesterday. Yes, we had a baby boy. A beautiful, healthy boy. 2.9 lbs. 13.75 inches long. One hour he was with us, the next he was not. There is not an explanation.
There is no blame to assign--no judgments to be made. No answers.
'the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'
-Job 1:22

I don't know why this happened. What I do know is that Shiloh has changed more lives and done more good in his short existence than many of us do in a lifetime. And I am grateful for that. I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned, grateful for each of you, grateful for the six weeks God gave me. Our hearts our broken, but we know that this is not the end--this is just the beginning. We are not the first to walk this lonely road, and unfortunately we are not the last.

So we will take it a day at a time. We have been practicing for six weeks. There are some inevitable dark days ahead, but that doesn't diminish the light of this precious soul we were privileged to know. I feel like the excerpts from the following talk capture our feelings perfectly.

"How fragile life, how certain death. We do not know when we will be required to leave this mortal existence. And so I ask, “What are we doing with today?” If we live only for tomorrow, we’ll have a lot of empty yesterdays today. Have we been guilty of declaring, “I’ve been thinking about making some course corrections in my life. I plan to take the first step—tomorrow”? With such thinking, tomorrow is forever. Such tomorrows rarely come unless we do something about them today.

My brothers and sisters, may we resolve from this day forward to fill our hearts with love. May we go the extra mile to include in our lives any who are lonely or downhearted or who are suffering in any way. May we “[cheer] up the sad and [make] someone feel glad.” 11 May we live so that when that final summons is heard, we may have no serious regrets, no unfinished business, but will be able to say with the Apostle Paul, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”

We love you. We thank you and appreciate your continued prayers, support and love as we try to go forward with our lives. Lives hopefully that will be lived in a manner that will make us fit for the privilege of our children's presence in the world to come.

This story is not a tragedy. Our happily ever after will come. We just have to get through the intermission.

Day 38: Attitude of Gratitude

HI and welcome to another round of HIGH RISK PREGNANCY FEAR FACTOR!

Our contestant today is a stay-at-home mother from Central Wisconsin currently living in Room 241 of a hospital 1.5 hours from home. [cue audience sigh] She enjoys showering, milkshakes, and the occasional visit from family. Give a warm welcome to Hillary....

[contestant wheeled onto stage. gosh, they get lazier by the day.]

Today's challenge is straight forward. Hillary's broken placenta [cue boos and hisses] will take her as close to labor as humanly possible in an attempt to make her scream 'uncle' and abandon all hope. Should she do so, she will be wheeled to labor and delivery where she will undergo subsequent testing and possible delivery. If she survives, her reward is a pepperoni pizza and an hour long nap.

We remind our readers that these challenges are conducted under the highest supervision and should NOT be attempted at home.

Let's get to it!
Hillary, are you ready?

HUH?

And it looks like her placenta is coming on strong. Yes, there is increased bleeding.
How is it Hillary?

UMM, GROSS.

Ah yes, and the contractions have begun as well. Are you noticing any changes Hillary?

Have YOU ever been pregnant you DORK?
Yes, I notice.

Wow, watch out! We've got a feisty one here today. All right, now finally notice doubt and despair attempting to penetrate Hillary's mind. Hillary, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking that if I give up I'd be denying 6 weeks of miracles that evidence otherwise.
I'm not doing it!

Well folks, there we have it. She is not giving up.
And look, the contractions have slowed and bleeding is down to a minimum. Doubt and despair have all but evaporated.

It looks like this mother of two is going to get that pizza and nap after all.

Well, that's all we have for today. Join us next time for another adrenaline packed, thrill-filled adventure on HIGH RISK PREGNANCY FEAR FACTOR.
__________________________

Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes, He lets the storm rage and calms us.

Thank you for your prayers. I needed them today.
Thankfully, all is well. All is well...

Day 37: Attitude of Gratitude

I am not a patient person. I've been known to tell the microwave to hurry up when I'm heating pre-cooked bacon. Yes. It is that bad. I blame my Grandma Beth. I inherited a genetic disorder from her called hyper-butt syndrome (Mom says it skips a generation), and it makes it impossible to not go 100 miles per hour regardless of the task.

Coincidence that I may end up being on bed rest for over 12 weeks?
I think not.

And the ironic part is it is self-induced! I choose to subject myself to this day-after-day. My nurses tell me that a lot of women refuse to do what I am doing--they can't get past the inconvenience it creates, and shift their focus from a me-centered universe. They put their own agendas, desires, what have you before others. Essentially, it is selfishness: that inability to delay gratification, or apply focus and dedicated effort to a worthwhile cause.
I was a very selfish person. This is helping me to be less so.
I am very grateful for that.
A life lived for yourself is not one worth living.
Trust me.

'Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring...It is not simply enduring; it is enduring well.'
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I don't want to sit (sorry, lay) here and strip my gears waiting and wondering why oh why has this befallen me. No, that would be dumb.
I want to endure well. It's a trademark quality of all the great men and women I look up to.
I've been false-starting the race of my life for years and running faster than I have strength trying to keep up with others while all I really needed to do was lace up my shoes, step on the track and give it my best.

Thank heavens the Head Coach pulled me aside for a few minutes to explain all of this.

Day 36: Attitude of Gratitude

Hi everyone. Sorry I am late posting today. My family came to visit and I couldn't stand to take one second away from them to blog.

We are at 28 weeks. If you have been reading our blog you know what this means.
It's incredible. A miracle.
Our hearts are full and we are grateful for each one of you and for the mercy our Heavenly Father has shown us. We are so blessed.

Enough said.

Day 35: Attitude of Gratitude

With a condition like mine, emergency delivery is a real possibility and there are procedures in place should that need arise. I'm not planning on using them, but they are there.
Super.
As a precautionary measure, the hospital has what I lovingly term 'rip cords' strategically placed wherever I might be; in the bathroom, in the shower, above my headboard.
When pulled, they signal to the nurses station that there is an emergency, and immediately someone is sent to investigate. Now granted, my room is right outside the nurses station, so I could just as easily yelp, 'HELP!' should something go amiss, but nice to know I'm covered either way.

I was thinking about other figurative 'rip cords' I have in my life that signal for help when I am in an emergency.
The one I have in mind is priesthood blessings.

(I recognize that there may be some reading this who aren't familiar with my beliefs. If that is the case, there is a wonderful website you can go to if you would like to learn more: lds.org
feel free to check it out!)

Anyway, I was thinking about how literally one minute after I was told that our baby was most likely not going to survive, Blaine was there and I was able to ask for a blessing of comfort.
How different would my experience have been if I hadn't had access to that amazing resource? Would I have gone home and just continued to live my life as the doctor had recommended versus going on bed rest as I felt prompted to do?
I don't know.
But what I do know is that I am so grateful to be married to a man who lives his life in such a way that he can offer that to our family in times of need. I am grateful that in my youth I made the decision to date worthy young men, and made it a goal to be wed to a returned missionary in the Lord's holy temple.
All of those course corrections and determinations we make along the way come back to bless or burden our lives. Thank heavens I got that one right--I married my best friend. I am so grateful for him. Grateful for who he is, what he brings to my life, and that he has made me a mother. I look forward to being together again someday...I love you Blaine.

Day 34: Attitude of Gratitude

Ever talked to someone on the phone who won't let you get a word in edgewise? And they are going on and on about the same things you have heard a thousand times before and you could literally put the phone down, walk away for five minutes only to come back and reassure with some 'mmhmms' and 'oh reallys'? The ones you roll your eyes at when you see the caller ID. . .
Yea, them.

That was me when it came to my prayers.

'dear heavenly father,
thank thee for this, thank thee for that
please give me this, i am a total brat!
amen'

I say that was me.
Curious how sincere and genuine my expressions to Heavenly Father became when I recognized my dependence upon Him. Sad that I haven't always recognized how desperately I need Him.
Prayer should be an opportunity to commune with God, not commentate on ourselves.
Commune means to communicate intimately. Intimate interaction would require a certain level of familiarity to my way of thinking, and I think that is impossible to achieve if you don't really know who it is you are communicating with.
And it is funny, I used to concentrate so much on the verbage and structure of my prayers. Now, I've seen that when I honestly try to communicate that that stuff comes naturally out of respect to Him whom I am addressing.
I'm not even hitting the tip of the iceberg yet, but understanding this much has made my prayers a much more meaningful experience. There isn't a rush, and it isn't one more spiritual chore to check off the list.
I want to pray.

I never have to be alone in my hospital room. There's always someone to talk with.
I am grateful for that.

Day 33: Attitude of Gratitude

Like Father, Like Son
an ah-hah moment from 2:30 a.m. last night

The Savior said, 'The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do.'
John 5:19

One of the last recorded acts of the Savior's life occurred while on the cross when He petitioned the Father on His enemy's behalf,
'Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.'
Luke 23:34

If both of these statements are true, then the Savior learned to forgive from His Father's example. John's account elaborates on this point:
'For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth'
John 5:20

So who/what is God's enemy and how does He forgive?
In the scriptures we read that,
'the natural man is an enemy to God'
Mosiah 3:19

What then is 'natural man'?
Alma tells his son Corianton in 41:11 that natural man is
'in a carnal state...in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity...without God, contrary to the nature of God [and to] the nature of happiness.'
Part of us, all of us--that portion that is fallen, full of sin and weakness stands in direct and total opposition to who our Heavenly Father is. That is why we cannot abide His presence in our 'natural' state. Why as Alma said:
'...we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us and to hide us from his presence.'
Alma 12:14

OUCH!

Yet, our heavenly Father loves us, and delights in giving us, His children good gifts. The most important of which was the life of His ONLY begotten Son, who was offered up as ransom for our fallen and sinful state, that the demands of justice might be appeased, making Him both a just and merciful God. He provided us an advocate--a lawyer to defend us, a witness to testify on our behalf.
Any fool knows that nothing in this life is free--so what are the attorney's fees in this, the trial of our life. From His own words, the risen Lord commands,
'repent...confess your sins. Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.'
D&C 19:20,23

So simple, yet so hard for us mortals. I have hung onto what as my brother-in-law has aptly called my 'favorite sins' for a long time. Those things that are readily justified or too difficult in my mind to forsake--all of us carry them around like a monkey on our back.
I have plead with God to remove them from me at times. I see this experience I am going through currently providing the perfect climate for these changes I have longed for, but been too weak to make happen.
He knows me so well.
I cannot fathom a love so great that you would sacrifice your only child for it. I can't understand it fully, but I can appreciate it.

Just one more thing to be grateful for...

Day 32: Attitude of Gratitude

I was reading from Ether this morning. The account of the Jaredite's barges being driven by winds to the promised land.

The Jaredites are told to build water-tight vessels to cross the water with, and enter into them, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God." (Ether 6:4)

The verses following struck me.

Paraphrasing:
"...the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow...towards the promised land.
when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again...the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land...and they did sing praises unto the Lord...did thank and praise the Lord all the day long...and the night...because of the multitude of his tender mercies."

So here are these families who have left everything they are familiar with behind them. For 344 days they are tossed to and fro, buried in the depths of the sea and driven forth by the wind--and they rejoice in it!

They found joy in the journey. They recognized the mercies of the Lord during the trial.
They saw the Lord's hand during their suffering, not just after.

It is easy to get upset when the Lord sends wind our way. But without wind, our boat never moves--we don't reach our promised land. We have to have the wind. And in recognizing the purpose behind the wind, and He who provides it-we find joy and peace in the journey.

I love this verse from the hymn Be Still My Soul:

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

I'm grateful for the wind in my life...

Day 31: Attitude of Gratitude

Just another day in paradise. . .

Today was about as close to normal as it gets.

I watched a parade march by my hospital window, had a picnic (KFC style) with The Man and The Two Year Old, drank slurpees (just found out the birthing center has them-saaweet!), and my personal favorite da da da dum. . .

took a shower.

I love this day.

Day 30: Attitude of Gratitude

Growing up it was tradition to spend Memorial Day driving from town to town decorating the graves of our loved ones who had passed on.

We were taught to show respect for the resting places of those we visited, and we'd carefully clear away the grass that had overgrown the headstones and place flowers nearby.

I am grateful that my Mom took the time and energy to teach me gratitude for those who have come before. I love the quote by Peter Raible that says:

"We sit in the shade of trees we did not plant."

Our lives are built upon a foundation that was laid brick by brick by the righteous lives of those who have come before us. We are an accumulation of these men and women. Ingratitude for their sacrifices may be one of the most erosive forces acting upon this structure.

I am grateful this Memorial Day Weekend to have the opportunity to express my appreciation for those who have paved the way.

Day 29: Attitude of Gratitude

How I will spend Memorial Day Weekend:

Five weeks ago I would have said barbecuing with my husband and three year old on our deck.

Four weeks ago my doctor would have said at my second child's graveside.

Three weeks ago my specialist might have said in the NICU watching my one pound baby fight for its life.

Two weeks ago the anesthesiologist would probably have said recovering from a c-section delivery.

One week ago the hospital staff might have said I would be in the beginning stages of labor.

Instead, I get to spend it with my husband and two kiddos.

We all get to spend it witnessing a miracle.

I am so blessed. There are no words...
I think about those who desperately long for a child and cannot have one, and those who's hearts are drawn out in sorrow over a child lost. It is a privilege to lay here day after day. It is not a sacrifice--it is a gift.

His Gift

Day 28: Attitude of Gratitude

"God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs."
-Spencer W. Kimball

I remember reading this quote displayed in the Kimball Building on BYU-Idaho's campus while I attended college. Aahh, those were carefree days. I always liked it, but this week I know for myself that it is true.

My first three weeks in my new place of residence (room 241 in St. Joseph's Hospital) went by relatively fast and uneventful until the last two and a half days.

It has definitely been challenging physically, mentally, and spiritually to stay afloat, but my prayers were answered in the form of numerous acts of kindness from various individuals.

I had more deliveries, phone calls, visits and emails in the past couple of days than I've had in four weeks of bed rest. Complete strangers have dropped in to wish me well and keep me company. Children in our Primary have drawn me pictures. The women in my Relief Society have written me thoughtful notes. Members of my ward have driven the hour and a half to visit me. Care packages full of delicious and thoughtful gifts have arrived. Flower arrangements have been delivered. Emails have been written bearing testimony and offering encouragement. It was as if the moment I was too weak to stand you were all there to pick me up and carry me through.

Thank you so much to every one of these individuals. You know who you are. I am so grateful to be the recipient of so much service and hope that I in turn will always take the opportunity to pass along to others what has been done to me.

I know full well that I am not singular in my struggle. Everyone has trials. In fact, the more I learn about some of the challenges you face, my gratitude for my little set of problems increases.
Thank you for remembering us, for your compassion. There really aren't words to describe the feelings that come when you are on the receiving end of such Christ-like love.

We love you all and hope that you are being sustained through your trials.

Day 27: Attitude of Gratitude

"There's NO place like home, There's NO place like home."

echoing off the walls of my hospital room as I pointlessly click my bare feet together...
I might have thrown myself a 10 minute pity-party today.
Then I brushed myself off, wiped my tear away and in my head heard my dad saying:
"tuffin' up buttercup'.

I am definitely a product of the 'want it now' generation and after a rough two days I was half pleading, half-bargaining for some peace of mind with Heavenly Father.

I even caught myself saying during one of my many prayers:
"Can you just show me a sign so I can trust".

Hmm. That is a little bit backwards there cowboy.
Show me a sign and then I'll trust you.

It should have been, 'I will trust you and know that the witness will come after the trial of my faith.'

yes, that is how it goes.

So I got bucked off my horse. Big deal. I'm back in the saddle again.

and I'm still grateful for the ride.

it's time for me to go 'wrangle up some grub' (i.e. milkshake time--I've been slacking in the calorie consumption department--not good, weigh in is tomorrow morning.)

wish me luck. I won't tell you the number I'm trying to break. it is sad. darn these chicken legs!

Day 26: Attitude of Gratitude

I had another sleepless night tossing and turning.
Upset tummy I thought.
By 7:30 I was leaking more blood than I have up to this point and cramping.
Yes-not good.

But I have to tell you something.

I was so calm. Like--unreal, this isn't normal kind of calm.
And if you know me--you know that that isn't like me.
I just knew that it was going to be okay, and I wasn't ruffled by it.
It was unreal.

I know that this was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I don't think there is any logical reason why I am still here, well and pregnant except for the explanation I've given.

And I want anyone who reads this to know that none of this, absolutely none of this is me. He is the reason we are still here. He is the reason I was calm this morning, He is in charge.

Thank you for your continued prayers. We needed them so badly today.

It would be lovely to look into the future and know what was going to happen.
But we can't, and if we could it wouldn't make me realize my dependence upon the Lord.
I would be less grateful when miracles like today occur.

I am so grateful for Him today. I am so grateful for your prayers today.

I think I'll go get some shut eye.
It's been a long day.
Love you all.
Hillary

Day 25: Attitude of Gratitude

The Savior taught the Nephites:
"No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon."

The meaning of this scripture always seemed fairly obvious to me, but the application in my own life has been somewhat vague...until I noticed a cross-reference to Hosea 10:2 which reads:

"There heart is divided; now shall they be found faulty. . ."

It has been said that, "A house divided against itself cannot stand". Granted, I don't stand that often these days and when I do I'm a bit tipsy, but figuratively I feel like my heart's desires have been divided up to this point in my life. I didn't realize it was. You can fool yourself, and others but you cannot fool God.

1 Samuel 16:7
"for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

I haven't really looked in the mirror for four weeks...
but I am beginning to see myself more clearly.
and I like the reflection a lot better.

Day 24: Attitude of Gratitude

Sleep escaped me last night. OH well. . .
and the following is the result. . .more random blatherings from me.
enjoy.

Life is a Highway and we are the cars on it.
Some of us are speeding by so focused on getting 'there' that we are failing to appreciate the scenery. Others are lost on a side-road or busy taking short-cuts. Many are pulled off on the side of the road broken down or just taking a snooze.

Some of us know where we are headed. Most of us don't.

We might be on a stretch of highway that seems deserted or be surrounded by other drivers. Sometimes the way other drivers behave can frustrate and annoy us. This does not give us the right to flip them off or engage in road rage. We have to remember that none of us are perfect drivers 100% of the time.

Crashes are unfortunately a risk you take in traversing the road--sometimes they are avoidable, but many times other drivers or unfavorable conditions precipitate their occurrence. It might be a small fender bender or a head on collision. Whatever it is and whatever the cause, one must pick up the pieces and get back behind the wheel-it doesn't make anything better to sit there and blame others or complain about the unfairness of your situation.

It is true that if everyone obeyed the rules of the road there would be a lot less problems but that is not the nature of the road we ride on. We may think we have control over this, that if we do everything we can think to do and watch carefully nothing bad will happen; but there are unforeseeable potholes everyone comes across at one point or another. Having a few tools and a spare tire can come in handy at this point.

All vehicles have problems. They aren't meant to last forever or stay in a perfect condition. Like a mechanic, though the better you know how a vehicle should operate, the easier it is to diagnose the problem. Regular maintenance and tune ups are a lot easier than the occasional overhaul.

Some cars can run for 100,000 miles without a glitch, but this state isn't static. You still have to put in oil and gasoline for the car to run. Other cars lose a belt or the steering goes out before they even get to 50,000. There aren't any guarantees of what you will face.

Some cars come with manufacturer defects, but this doesn't negate our responsibility to get over to a shop for repair. Some of us choose to make do with seemingly insignificant problems (a broken window, a faulty wiper, squeaky brakes) and these things may seem trivial but they compromise the safety and integrity of the car.
Some models are better equipped to handle the road, but a car is a car and it doesn't necessarily matter how fast we get from Point A to Point B--just that we get there.

A lot of us are tempted to make upgrades to our design--some can be beneficial. Most are not.
They have us more often than not fashioning ourselves after another make and model rather than appreciating our own unique design.

The most important thing is for us to continue on down life's highway, making the best of the miles we are given, and even stopping to help others along the way. It isn't a race. It isn't a competition.

We can just be grateful that we get to make the journey.

I am. Safe driving today folks. We love ya!

Day 23: Attitude of Gratitude

We hit 26 weeks today....a day worth celebrating.
A mark we were told we would never reach.

The credit goes entirely to our Heavenly Father.

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

The Sunday School material this week included the story of Samson.
I have to share what I learned--love it. So exciting!
I am like a kid in a candy shop (not going to get the caramels though. ha, ha)

So Samson is an amazing guy. Yea, he wasn't so hot in the ladies department (or maybe that's the problem, he was way too hot. take note kiddos--listen to Mom and Dad, they know what they are talking about. Samson's first run-in happened because he went against the parentals counsel. anyway-moving forward); nonetheless, he led an extraordinary life, one that parallels the Savior in many ways.

For example:
1. He was born at a time when Israel was wicked and in bondage
2.An angel appeared to his mother, who had yet to bear a child, and declared that she would conceive, and bear a son
3. The mother told her husband about the visitation of an angel. The father would in turn receive a visit from the angel declaring the wife's witness to be true
4. The mother was commanded to remain clean (undefiled) while carrying the child
5. He was considered to be of Nazareth (Nazarite: a consecrated man) and it was foretold that he would deliver Israel from bondage
6. His name is associated with light (Samson: of the sun)
7. He partook of honey because it was what was available to him for nourishment
8. Those who sought his life could not understand his riddles/questions
9. He was bound with cords by men of Israel and delivered to those who held the people of Israel in bondage for spurious charges
10. Those who sought his life laid wait all night
11. He carried two posts to the top of a hill
12. He was betrayed for pieces of silver by someone who professed to love him most
13. He was offered as a sacrifice in celebration of the customs of the day
14. He was scourged and cast into prison
15. He was brought forth from the prison house to make sport for the people and placed between two pillars (pillar means a free standing, vertical support)
16. During this time he cried out in agony to his Father in Heaven
17. More were slain as a result of his death than by his life
18. His body was taken by his fellow brethren and buried
19. He returned home to his father after his death (Samson was buried by his father)
20. He was considered a threat and the people rejoiced at his capture

That's just what I saw--I am sure there are many more parallels that can be drawn.
So big deal--what is the point?

Alma 34:14
"And behold, this is the whole meaning of the law, every whit pointing to that great and last sacrifice; and that great and last sacrifice will be the Son of God, yea, infinite and eternal."

He is the point. The life that was first laid in a manger made of wood and last fastened to a cross of the same is the end all. Everything testifies of Christ, points to him.

I, like Samson have my weaknesses and shortcomings, but I hope this experience we are going through can point someone to Christ, or at least have them moving closer.

He is what it is all about...and I'm grateful for that.

Day 22: Attitude of Gratitude

I got to shower today.

I smelled really bad.

I am grateful for showers.

Today my family visited. and the missionaries and branch president. and two nurses chatted with us for a long time.

It was like being home.

I wasn't alone, trying to be Atlas and hold the world up.

Everybody needs a day off. I've had a great one.

I'll be back at it in an hour when my family leaves.

Bring it on.

Day 21: Attitude of Gratitude

One of the hardest things I figured I would be forfeiting to stay on bed rest is partaking of the sacrament.

I knew it would probably be weeks or maybe months before I had the opportunity to renew those covenants and enjoy that experience. But you do what you have to right.

I had the post family visit blues my first Sunday here at St. Joseph's Hospital and was slowly making my way through the day.

Enter President Smith to my room.

He's in charge of a lovely branch here and apparently my sweet husband contacted him about my situation unbeknown to me.

We sang a hymn together and I got to partake of the sacrament laying in my hospital bed.

I hadn't verbalized this desire in my formal prayers to Heavenly Father. I figured my current list of requests was hefty enough.
A girl doesn't like pressing her luck in the miracles department.

But those unspoken yearnings of my heart are just as audible apparently to my Heavenly Father.

And this time it meant a lot more as I laid there listening to the words of the sacrament prayers.
Especially the portion that says, "in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them".

I'm bleeding for one person. He bled for every person.

Puts it all in perspective.