Someday

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Blog. Today.

But we don't always get what we want, do we. And I realized today that this is why I am here. I thought the last six weeks were the trial. No, unfortunately they were not. They were preparation. THIS is the trial. And while part of me wants to curl up in a corner and die, I know I am supposed to share at least parts of this journey we are taking down a road that has no maps. Maybe there is someone out there who will read this, and it will make their journey easier. Maybe it will just help me. I don't know.

Can I add a small disclaimer? I can't guarantee that this ride will be altogether pleasant. It might be like a roller-coaster ride. Ups, downs, loop-DE-loops, shooting bursts of speed, and slow climbs. Please respect that--please withhold criticism on how we choose to ride. We are feeling a little bit beat up, and even though I have agreed with God to do what he asks, I haven't agreed to share all of my life with you. Just this. Please be kind and considerate. Recognize that if we meet someday or talk on the phone, my husband and I don't have an obligation to discuss anything or answer questions we don't want to. I'm just trying to do what I am supposed to, praying it will help someone. anyone.

Yesterday morning I woke up and realized that the nightmare I had was the reality I am living. I descended into my own personal hell and let it swallow me. Eventually I emerged, grabbed my scriptures and finished reading in Moroni about how the Nephite men were fed there wives and children. Umm, ok--that wasn't quite what I was looking for. Not helpful. Round two...

I end up reading a talk by Richard C. Edgley entitled 'For Thy Good' and the following hit me like a ton of bricks.

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again.

Therefore, perhaps the challenge is to have the kind of faith during the hard times that we exercised when we first chose. The kind of faith that turns questioning and even anger into acknowledging the power, blessings, and hope that can come only from Him who is the source of all power, blessings, and hope. The kind of faith that brings the knowledge and assurances that all that we experience is part of the gospel plan and that for the righteous, all that appears wrong will eventually be made right. The peace and understanding to endure with dignity and clarity of purpose can be the sweet reward. This kind of faith can help us to see the good, even when life’s path seems to be layered only with thorns, thistles, and craggy rocks.

When Jesus and His disciples passed a man who was blind since his birth, His disciples queried, “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:2–3).

I do not believe our Father in Heaven causes the tragedies and heartbreak in our lives. But as the “works of God” were made manifest in the healing of a blind man, so also the way we face our personal trials may manifest the “works of God.”

I found his wording of the refiner's fire interesting. Because that is what this feels like. It feels like we have been lowered into a raging fire, flames licking our skin and charring us entirely. And even though we know that this fire will eventually burn out, all we can focus on are the flames. And the pain.

But as he said, all of us are burning. All of us are in pain at some point or another. The loneliest hours of our lives are universally experienced by every human soul--part of the bargain. And I realized in that moment that this fire is not meant to consume. As Hymn 85, How Firm a Foundation states:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design …
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. …

Someday this raging fire will diminish and become a glowing ember. Someday it won't hurt so bad. Someday it will all be over and we will all be together again. Someday.

I am grateful for that.