Sorry I disappeared. To the observer, I've been busy--but I feel numb inside. Like someone rubbed Novocaine on my brain. It's different than I thought it would be. Grief, that is.
It doesn't have definitive boundaries--no starts and stops. It just stretches on and on. Not that you are sad all the time--heavens no. I'm not Eeyore with a perpetual thunderstorm over my head (sorry, the nearly 3 year old is way into his Pooh and Friends puzzles, must have been on my mind. What a whiz kid. 25 piece puzzles are child's play for this boy. sorry, tangent.)
No, grief is different. No two experiences are the exact same. And no one can tell you how to grieve because each of us experience and interpret things differently. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, annoyance--they tell you it is normal to experience these things. But the fact is there isn't anything normal about this. The crying I expected--every morning, every night, sometimes in between for the heck of it. And even the aching emptiness--longing for a baby to hold, breaking anew when I walk past the baby section of a store, or hear a baby cry. But the nightmares, the questioning, the flashbacks--like salt in a wound that refuses to heal. This may sound awful but sometimes I just wish it could all go away. (Que the Toys-R-Us theme please and pour me a bowl of Trix. ugh.) At other moments it feels surreal. Did I really go through this? Does my life history now include the death of a child. . .a son. . .a beautiful son?
Yes. This is your life. This is a part of you now. Face it--you're down in the valley. Put your boots on and start climbing the mountain. Besides, the view from the top will be spectacular as it always is. Then you'll go through another valley, and there will be another mountain to climb--on and on. It might feel like Everest, but it isn't. Odds are, this is conditioning for a future climb. That is life. And it is a great life.
As my neighbor back home said, 'God, don't remove the mountain--just give me the strength to climb it.'
Thank you God for the climb.
Excuse me while I go lace my boots up.
13 comments:
Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings with us, Hillary. I will never fully know the emotions you feel as I have never gone through the kind of loss you have experienced. As someone who loves you dearly, I ache for your broken heart and your deep sense of loss. We continue to pray for strength and comfort for you and Blaine and for the healing peace only He can bring. I feel His spirit through your words and expressions of faith.
Love,
Mom & Dad
You don't know me and we will probably never meet (I found your blog by trolling through a friends:) but I just want to say how inspirational your posts are. I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and because of you and your sweet baby I am trying to have a mpre positive attidue about this pregnancy!! I am grateful for the nausea, excited for every pound that has piled on ( and they are coming fast with #3!!) because I know in a split second it could all change. Thanks again and I hope things are getting a little easier.
I hope your okay if i use some personal quotes from you for a talk i have on sunday of "be of good cheer" a talk given by prez. monson. I just keep coming back to you and how your of course sad, but also so strong and hopeful for the future. You are a perfect example of his talk, you should read it. Its in the april 2009 conference.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading your posts and praying for you. You're an amazing gal- I'm inspired by you and so grateful for our friendship.
HIllary, you are such an inspiration! I'm sure you probably don't feel like you are, but what you express so many of us can relate to as we go through our own trials. We continue to pray for you and hope for the peace and healing that only Jesus Christ can bring to you. We love you guys.
Hey Hillary. You are truly an amazing woman! There are no words I can say to you that you haven't already heard so I will just say this... we love you, you continue to be in our prayers, and you really have your very own guardian angel. He is such a beautiful little guy. I'm so glad you shared him with us. I hope you will continue lacing your boots each and every day, because you definitely are blessing so many lives by doing so. May all your hearts heal and be comforted!
Love ya!!
Thank you Hillary. I don't really know what else to say, but thank you for your continued example of "enduring to the end". You will forever be one of my heros and I will always think back to this time while I am going through some type of struggle. You inspire me. I love you both!
I love you, my dear friend.
Hillary-
I've been following your blog for a while now, and i wish i was there with you. Jefferson and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months now and reading your blog has taken me to a place i've never been. You have made me a stronger person just through your words and feelings. I cant even imagine what you've gone through. Being a person whose struggled with depression most of their life i can honestly say that we need to remember all the blessings that we have been given in life, and imagine the blessings that are to come. You are a strong woman and i have looked up to you since the day i met you. Keep your head up and know that Jefferson and I are here for you if you ever need us.
Your a great inspiration to so many women.
Thank You,
Karalee
I'm so sorry for everything your going through. We are praying for you. I'm sure that grandma is taking good care of your sweet little one.
thinking of you at this hard time in your life. hope you all can feel our love for you :)
I found your blog by chance when looking through some comments on another blog I saw Ashley (Henry) and it led me here. (Grew up in the same ward as them) We too have an angle baby. We lost our little girl in April 2008. I was 37 weeks pregnant, no movement and went in and she was gone. The cord had wrapped around her neck. My husband was deployed in Manas Kyrgystan at the time which was hard to not have him there when she was born. She was our 4th, first girl. The Lord does prepare you though even sometimes without you knowing. That still small voice has been throughout my life preparing me for such a moment. I am glad I listened. Still now it's hard but it is much better. You still have "days" but I think of it as she is here with me and I try to enjoy that time. One thing that really helped me and I share with all who have had to go through this experience is I have a small memory book with pictures of her and us together I carry around in my purse. It really helped those first few months when people wanted to ask ect but it was awkward. This I found brought the spirit into the conversation and I felt like people actually got to know my little Vicky and that she wasn't forgotten. Another mom of an angel shared with me that it's a club you never want to welcome anyone into but it's a club that contains prophets of God! Prayers to you and your family!
AMY
My sister lost her little boy in much the same way as the previous commenter. It was so hard to watch and experience and I wasn't even the mommy. You remind me of my sister, I'm so so IMPRESSED with your testimony and strength and at the same time so glad you're giving yourself a chance to grieve. God has truly blessed us with time, time for each stage, take yours. You are loved and we do continue to pray for you.
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