Day 31: Attitude of Gratitude

Just another day in paradise. . .

Today was about as close to normal as it gets.

I watched a parade march by my hospital window, had a picnic (KFC style) with The Man and The Two Year Old, drank slurpees (just found out the birthing center has them-saaweet!), and my personal favorite da da da dum. . .

took a shower.

I love this day.

Day 30: Attitude of Gratitude

Growing up it was tradition to spend Memorial Day driving from town to town decorating the graves of our loved ones who had passed on.

We were taught to show respect for the resting places of those we visited, and we'd carefully clear away the grass that had overgrown the headstones and place flowers nearby.

I am grateful that my Mom took the time and energy to teach me gratitude for those who have come before. I love the quote by Peter Raible that says:

"We sit in the shade of trees we did not plant."

Our lives are built upon a foundation that was laid brick by brick by the righteous lives of those who have come before us. We are an accumulation of these men and women. Ingratitude for their sacrifices may be one of the most erosive forces acting upon this structure.

I am grateful this Memorial Day Weekend to have the opportunity to express my appreciation for those who have paved the way.

Day 29: Attitude of Gratitude

How I will spend Memorial Day Weekend:

Five weeks ago I would have said barbecuing with my husband and three year old on our deck.

Four weeks ago my doctor would have said at my second child's graveside.

Three weeks ago my specialist might have said in the NICU watching my one pound baby fight for its life.

Two weeks ago the anesthesiologist would probably have said recovering from a c-section delivery.

One week ago the hospital staff might have said I would be in the beginning stages of labor.

Instead, I get to spend it with my husband and two kiddos.

We all get to spend it witnessing a miracle.

I am so blessed. There are no words...
I think about those who desperately long for a child and cannot have one, and those who's hearts are drawn out in sorrow over a child lost. It is a privilege to lay here day after day. It is not a sacrifice--it is a gift.

His Gift

Day 28: Attitude of Gratitude

"God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs."
-Spencer W. Kimball

I remember reading this quote displayed in the Kimball Building on BYU-Idaho's campus while I attended college. Aahh, those were carefree days. I always liked it, but this week I know for myself that it is true.

My first three weeks in my new place of residence (room 241 in St. Joseph's Hospital) went by relatively fast and uneventful until the last two and a half days.

It has definitely been challenging physically, mentally, and spiritually to stay afloat, but my prayers were answered in the form of numerous acts of kindness from various individuals.

I had more deliveries, phone calls, visits and emails in the past couple of days than I've had in four weeks of bed rest. Complete strangers have dropped in to wish me well and keep me company. Children in our Primary have drawn me pictures. The women in my Relief Society have written me thoughtful notes. Members of my ward have driven the hour and a half to visit me. Care packages full of delicious and thoughtful gifts have arrived. Flower arrangements have been delivered. Emails have been written bearing testimony and offering encouragement. It was as if the moment I was too weak to stand you were all there to pick me up and carry me through.

Thank you so much to every one of these individuals. You know who you are. I am so grateful to be the recipient of so much service and hope that I in turn will always take the opportunity to pass along to others what has been done to me.

I know full well that I am not singular in my struggle. Everyone has trials. In fact, the more I learn about some of the challenges you face, my gratitude for my little set of problems increases.
Thank you for remembering us, for your compassion. There really aren't words to describe the feelings that come when you are on the receiving end of such Christ-like love.

We love you all and hope that you are being sustained through your trials.

Day 27: Attitude of Gratitude

"There's NO place like home, There's NO place like home."

echoing off the walls of my hospital room as I pointlessly click my bare feet together...
I might have thrown myself a 10 minute pity-party today.
Then I brushed myself off, wiped my tear away and in my head heard my dad saying:
"tuffin' up buttercup'.

I am definitely a product of the 'want it now' generation and after a rough two days I was half pleading, half-bargaining for some peace of mind with Heavenly Father.

I even caught myself saying during one of my many prayers:
"Can you just show me a sign so I can trust".

Hmm. That is a little bit backwards there cowboy.
Show me a sign and then I'll trust you.

It should have been, 'I will trust you and know that the witness will come after the trial of my faith.'

yes, that is how it goes.

So I got bucked off my horse. Big deal. I'm back in the saddle again.

and I'm still grateful for the ride.

it's time for me to go 'wrangle up some grub' (i.e. milkshake time--I've been slacking in the calorie consumption department--not good, weigh in is tomorrow morning.)

wish me luck. I won't tell you the number I'm trying to break. it is sad. darn these chicken legs!

Day 26: Attitude of Gratitude

I had another sleepless night tossing and turning.
Upset tummy I thought.
By 7:30 I was leaking more blood than I have up to this point and cramping.
Yes-not good.

But I have to tell you something.

I was so calm. Like--unreal, this isn't normal kind of calm.
And if you know me--you know that that isn't like me.
I just knew that it was going to be okay, and I wasn't ruffled by it.
It was unreal.

I know that this was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I don't think there is any logical reason why I am still here, well and pregnant except for the explanation I've given.

And I want anyone who reads this to know that none of this, absolutely none of this is me. He is the reason we are still here. He is the reason I was calm this morning, He is in charge.

Thank you for your continued prayers. We needed them so badly today.

It would be lovely to look into the future and know what was going to happen.
But we can't, and if we could it wouldn't make me realize my dependence upon the Lord.
I would be less grateful when miracles like today occur.

I am so grateful for Him today. I am so grateful for your prayers today.

I think I'll go get some shut eye.
It's been a long day.
Love you all.
Hillary

Day 25: Attitude of Gratitude

The Savior taught the Nephites:
"No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon."

The meaning of this scripture always seemed fairly obvious to me, but the application in my own life has been somewhat vague...until I noticed a cross-reference to Hosea 10:2 which reads:

"There heart is divided; now shall they be found faulty. . ."

It has been said that, "A house divided against itself cannot stand". Granted, I don't stand that often these days and when I do I'm a bit tipsy, but figuratively I feel like my heart's desires have been divided up to this point in my life. I didn't realize it was. You can fool yourself, and others but you cannot fool God.

1 Samuel 16:7
"for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

I haven't really looked in the mirror for four weeks...
but I am beginning to see myself more clearly.
and I like the reflection a lot better.

Day 24: Attitude of Gratitude

Sleep escaped me last night. OH well. . .
and the following is the result. . .more random blatherings from me.
enjoy.

Life is a Highway and we are the cars on it.
Some of us are speeding by so focused on getting 'there' that we are failing to appreciate the scenery. Others are lost on a side-road or busy taking short-cuts. Many are pulled off on the side of the road broken down or just taking a snooze.

Some of us know where we are headed. Most of us don't.

We might be on a stretch of highway that seems deserted or be surrounded by other drivers. Sometimes the way other drivers behave can frustrate and annoy us. This does not give us the right to flip them off or engage in road rage. We have to remember that none of us are perfect drivers 100% of the time.

Crashes are unfortunately a risk you take in traversing the road--sometimes they are avoidable, but many times other drivers or unfavorable conditions precipitate their occurrence. It might be a small fender bender or a head on collision. Whatever it is and whatever the cause, one must pick up the pieces and get back behind the wheel-it doesn't make anything better to sit there and blame others or complain about the unfairness of your situation.

It is true that if everyone obeyed the rules of the road there would be a lot less problems but that is not the nature of the road we ride on. We may think we have control over this, that if we do everything we can think to do and watch carefully nothing bad will happen; but there are unforeseeable potholes everyone comes across at one point or another. Having a few tools and a spare tire can come in handy at this point.

All vehicles have problems. They aren't meant to last forever or stay in a perfect condition. Like a mechanic, though the better you know how a vehicle should operate, the easier it is to diagnose the problem. Regular maintenance and tune ups are a lot easier than the occasional overhaul.

Some cars can run for 100,000 miles without a glitch, but this state isn't static. You still have to put in oil and gasoline for the car to run. Other cars lose a belt or the steering goes out before they even get to 50,000. There aren't any guarantees of what you will face.

Some cars come with manufacturer defects, but this doesn't negate our responsibility to get over to a shop for repair. Some of us choose to make do with seemingly insignificant problems (a broken window, a faulty wiper, squeaky brakes) and these things may seem trivial but they compromise the safety and integrity of the car.
Some models are better equipped to handle the road, but a car is a car and it doesn't necessarily matter how fast we get from Point A to Point B--just that we get there.

A lot of us are tempted to make upgrades to our design--some can be beneficial. Most are not.
They have us more often than not fashioning ourselves after another make and model rather than appreciating our own unique design.

The most important thing is for us to continue on down life's highway, making the best of the miles we are given, and even stopping to help others along the way. It isn't a race. It isn't a competition.

We can just be grateful that we get to make the journey.

I am. Safe driving today folks. We love ya!

Day 23: Attitude of Gratitude

We hit 26 weeks today....a day worth celebrating.
A mark we were told we would never reach.

The credit goes entirely to our Heavenly Father.

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

The Sunday School material this week included the story of Samson.
I have to share what I learned--love it. So exciting!
I am like a kid in a candy shop (not going to get the caramels though. ha, ha)

So Samson is an amazing guy. Yea, he wasn't so hot in the ladies department (or maybe that's the problem, he was way too hot. take note kiddos--listen to Mom and Dad, they know what they are talking about. Samson's first run-in happened because he went against the parentals counsel. anyway-moving forward); nonetheless, he led an extraordinary life, one that parallels the Savior in many ways.

For example:
1. He was born at a time when Israel was wicked and in bondage
2.An angel appeared to his mother, who had yet to bear a child, and declared that she would conceive, and bear a son
3. The mother told her husband about the visitation of an angel. The father would in turn receive a visit from the angel declaring the wife's witness to be true
4. The mother was commanded to remain clean (undefiled) while carrying the child
5. He was considered to be of Nazareth (Nazarite: a consecrated man) and it was foretold that he would deliver Israel from bondage
6. His name is associated with light (Samson: of the sun)
7. He partook of honey because it was what was available to him for nourishment
8. Those who sought his life could not understand his riddles/questions
9. He was bound with cords by men of Israel and delivered to those who held the people of Israel in bondage for spurious charges
10. Those who sought his life laid wait all night
11. He carried two posts to the top of a hill
12. He was betrayed for pieces of silver by someone who professed to love him most
13. He was offered as a sacrifice in celebration of the customs of the day
14. He was scourged and cast into prison
15. He was brought forth from the prison house to make sport for the people and placed between two pillars (pillar means a free standing, vertical support)
16. During this time he cried out in agony to his Father in Heaven
17. More were slain as a result of his death than by his life
18. His body was taken by his fellow brethren and buried
19. He returned home to his father after his death (Samson was buried by his father)
20. He was considered a threat and the people rejoiced at his capture

That's just what I saw--I am sure there are many more parallels that can be drawn.
So big deal--what is the point?

Alma 34:14
"And behold, this is the whole meaning of the law, every whit pointing to that great and last sacrifice; and that great and last sacrifice will be the Son of God, yea, infinite and eternal."

He is the point. The life that was first laid in a manger made of wood and last fastened to a cross of the same is the end all. Everything testifies of Christ, points to him.

I, like Samson have my weaknesses and shortcomings, but I hope this experience we are going through can point someone to Christ, or at least have them moving closer.

He is what it is all about...and I'm grateful for that.

Day 22: Attitude of Gratitude

I got to shower today.

I smelled really bad.

I am grateful for showers.

Today my family visited. and the missionaries and branch president. and two nurses chatted with us for a long time.

It was like being home.

I wasn't alone, trying to be Atlas and hold the world up.

Everybody needs a day off. I've had a great one.

I'll be back at it in an hour when my family leaves.

Bring it on.

Day 21: Attitude of Gratitude

One of the hardest things I figured I would be forfeiting to stay on bed rest is partaking of the sacrament.

I knew it would probably be weeks or maybe months before I had the opportunity to renew those covenants and enjoy that experience. But you do what you have to right.

I had the post family visit blues my first Sunday here at St. Joseph's Hospital and was slowly making my way through the day.

Enter President Smith to my room.

He's in charge of a lovely branch here and apparently my sweet husband contacted him about my situation unbeknown to me.

We sang a hymn together and I got to partake of the sacrament laying in my hospital bed.

I hadn't verbalized this desire in my formal prayers to Heavenly Father. I figured my current list of requests was hefty enough.
A girl doesn't like pressing her luck in the miracles department.

But those unspoken yearnings of my heart are just as audible apparently to my Heavenly Father.

And this time it meant a lot more as I laid there listening to the words of the sacrament prayers.
Especially the portion that says, "in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them".

I'm bleeding for one person. He bled for every person.

Puts it all in perspective.

Day 20: Attitude of Gratitude

The Unfortunate Caramel Case
by: Hillary Calaway

Daddy asks if you with the rest of the kids would like to make a special trip to the candy shop. "OH YES!" you squeal with glee, jumping up and down at the prospect. You've never been to the candy shop but you've heard so much about it and you desperately want to experience it for yourself.

You pile in the family car and Dad pulls out of the driveway smiling to himself as he stares in the rear view mirror at his kiddos busily discussing all of the possibilities this day holds.

Finally you arrive and try not to hyperventilate while your younger brother struggles out of his seat belt and opens the door to get out. You skip to the glass window outside the shop, pressing your face against it, "Ooohhing" and "Aaahhing" at what you see.

Row upon row of shelves are lined with shiny glass jars bursting with every candy ever made. Candy-bars and chocolates, caramels and cookies, licorice and lollipops. Every color, combination and concoction imaginable.

You hear a throaty chuckle and turn to see Dad holding the door open and smiling as if to say "Come along then."

Upon entering, Dad instructs you to choose wisely.

You're off like a shot--but what to pick, which to choose? There's so much, and it is all interesting.

Before you know it Dad's calling your name and you look around and realize that everyone else has made their selection and gone out to the car. You trot off in the direction of his voice.

You stretch on your tip-toes to carefully place your goodies before the cashier, who raises her eyebrows than shrugs as if to say, "It's your stomach."

Dad gives the box of caramels you've chosen a once-over, then turns to ask you, "Honey, are you sure this is what you want?"

"Oh yes Daddy" you plead. "I really want to try these."

"All right", he says and he pulls out his wallet to pay the bill.

You say thanks then run to join the rest of the gang in the car, all of which are pouring over their selections and comparing one with another.

Back at home you can't wait to show Mommy what you've gotten. She grins at your enthusiasm but says no when you ask to have just one of the caramels.

"It's bedtime" she says, "and besides, you can take it with you to Aunt Gertie's."

Shucks. That's right. Tomorrow Daddy and Mommy are dropping you off to stay with Aunt Gertie for a week, who by the way smells funny and has that wiener dog that yelps at you all the time.

Three days at Aunt Gertie's and you've had it. The rules are different at her house. No playing cowboys and indians, no using the sofa cushions to make forts, and NO candy until after supper.

And about those caramels you had to have. You realize that they have nuts--you hate nuts. The treat you thought was going to be so great has ended up being a complete wreck. You hate caramels and you hate Aunt Gertie's house. It's just not fair.

You call Daddy that night to tell him you miss him and that you don't like staying here. "I know sweetheart" he says, "but it's only a few more days. You'll be home and back in my arms before you know it."

You sniffle as you tell him about your caramels. "I hate it Daddy. It isn't what I wanted. I thought it would be different. Tell Jane to share her gummy worms or make Johnny trade his gobstoppers with me. Aunt Gertie says I have to eat all of those yucky caramels-I can't Daddy. It's just too hard. Oh why did you buy them for me?"

Daddy reminds you that you chose the caramels and asks you to hand the phone to your oldest brother.

You sulk off to the bedroom and plop yourself face down on the bed.

A few minutes later your oldest brother comes in and sits beside you. He gives you a pat on the back and asks what is wrong. You tell him about it all...

"Tell you what" he says. "You do what you can to make the best of the rest of your days here and I'll help you finish off all of those caramels okay."

"Really" you say as you lift your head, a tear rolling down your dirty cheek.

"Really."
________________________

I don't know if we had any input in the trials and afflictions we face here. If we did, I'd imagine we were a little wide-eyed and innocent about it all.

I am most grateful today for an older brother to help us finish eating the nutty caramels life hands us.

(Sorry if you like nutty caramels. . .adapt it to your disliking.)

Day 19: Attitude of Gratitude

Blaine came to visit last night and to go with me to my ultrasound this morning. Details to come...

Come to think of it, last night was our first date we've ever spent alone--hmm, wouldn't have pictured it in a hospital with me on bed rest. Oh well, it was memorable.

Aside from gazing into each others eyes like two love-sick teenagers, we came to a decision.

We're naming our baby--now.

This was prompted in part by the fact that I constantly refer to this baby as 'they' or 'them' and it confuses people, and we just felt like it is time.

I wouldn't say that we consider this our miracle child. Every child is a miracle.

But this baby is definitely a gift, and we've named him/her accordingly (ah hah--that's right, we are still waiting to find out if this is a girl/boy)

The name is

Shiloh
[Hebrew for "His Gift"]

We got some good/sobering news today about our little Shiloh. The good news is that Shiloh is growing like a champ and developmentally seems to be just fine. The less fantastic news is that we don't know how long this will continue to be the case.

Somehow when I filled out the order form for this pregnancy I accidentally checked the 'ripped placenta' box. Whoops. My mistake.

From all of the data, we think that there was a tear or slight detachment early on which compromised the amniotic sac causing it to rupture. This in turn resulted in my uterus shrinking, further exacerbating the placenta and causing increased bleeding.

Thankfully, the placenta is still working because Shiloh is growing, and as long as the bleeding doesn't get worse we're in good shape. The consequences of increased bleeding are not fun to think about (further placenta tearing or abruption-i.e. me hemorrhaging, Shiloh losing access to oxygen, blah,blah,blah, really boring stuff)

So we are in a race against time: my placenta's health against Shiloh's development.

And we are staying upbeat--because I'm an endurance kinda gal.

Let me say this much. I know more than ever today that Heavenly Father is very much aware of our situation and has ordered things for our good. The trail of tender mercies is long. We aren't going to look back, and we're not going to try and get ahead of ourselves.

Slow and steady wins the race. And our Savior has offered to carry us when it gets too hard.

Joshua 1: 5, 9
"I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."

Day 18: Attitude of Gratitude

(Word of Warning--LONG post! Enter at own peril. I think I am supposed to share this though)

I feel like I just climbed out of the ring from a 9 round Knock Out with Mike Tyson. Whew!

No worries--I still have both of my ears.

The following is from a letter sent to some family members recounting an experience I had my first weekend on bed rest:

You know, I used to consider myself a pretty spiritual person—someone that tries to stay close to the Spirit, reads her scriptures and studies them intently, says her daily prayers, goes to church, pays tithing, on and on. Then I had this happen.

Do you remember the story of Peter walking on water? So the Savior has concluded teaching a multitude and tells his disciples to go ahead of him and set sail to reach the other side of the body of water they are by in a boat while he finishes up, which they do. That night, they see what appears to be a ghost walking upon the water, realizing as it draws nearer that it is the Savior himself approaching. Peter calls out to the Lord and leaves the boat in an act of faith to draw closer to the Lord. He’s walking on water (he’s who I thought I was—a good person with great faith and testimony trying to get back to the Savior) when a slight wind comes up. His confidence is shaken, his faith wavers and he begins to sink. He calls out to the Savior, “Save me” to which our wise Older Brother replies, “Oh ye of little faith.”

Peter’s faith falters at the slightest wind. How is this so? I now understand and will see Peter very differently—because there was a life on the line. Because in Peter’s eyes it was desperate peril, he was about to be overtaken by the storm and the waves raging around him. When he started to sink, I would bet you money he took his eyes off of the Savior and looked down—and the thought of what he might lose terrified him.

HE TOOK HIS EYES OFF OF THE SAVIOR!

I did the same thing this week. I had been up and down emotionally all weekend—high, low, high, low. One minute I was fine, the next I was in despair. Then one night I went to the bathroom, saw more leaking and bleeding (no more than usual), but it was enough to act as that wind for Peter. I looked down, saw what I could lose, and took my eyes off the Savior. I laid back down and plead through the night with God and this story of Peter I shared came to mind. As I read the account I heard the Lord saying to me, “Oh ye of little faith.” And I thought, I really am of little faith. In a moment of weakness I forgot the countless tender mercies He has shown me these past few weeks . . . my whole life really. My eyes are SO used to seeing in terms of this world.

Okay, so that was a month ago.

I really thought I had gotten my sea legs, was even going to blog about it and then last night happened. Pretty much same scenario. I start bleeding a lot and it gets to me.

Granted this go around I know that I have to keep my focus on the Savior-okay.

So for 5 of the longest, hardest hours of my life, I spiritually tread water barely keeping my nose above the deep that threatens to overtake me. This isn't just in my head--I am fighting something real and it is taking everything I've got to keep it at bay.

By 4 a.m. I am crying and I've hit my wall. I tell Heavenly Father I can't swim much longer-I am beaten up with a bloody nose (literally, ha ha--my nose is bleeding all over).

By 5 a.m. I am sleeping.

By 8 a.m. I am in my bathroom almost crying when I see the bleeding has stopped.

You know, Peter’s life was never really in danger—neither is mine or my baby’s. No one is going to be lost here. Yes, it is true that my baby might not survive and be with me during my sojourn here but this child has never for one moment been lost. I am in my life-boat making my way across this life, and the Savior is beckoning for me to come to him—do I let the wind of this storm overcome me and stop me from reaching Him? Do I let the fear screaming in my ears drowned out the faith I know I have? I can’t—there’s no choice. I have to keep going.

and so do you.

Day 17: Attitude of Gratitude

Every few hours, one of the wonderful nurses here will come check vitals. This includes my temperature, my blood pressure, and a doppler to check little one's heart rate.

Yesterday during one of these routine checks, my nurse was searching for our baby's heart rate and having a hard time finding it (no panicking people, I was feeling kicks--this baby just has an independent streak--probably from me).

Anyway, she finally started picking up some noise and said, "Oh, there it is. Wait no that's your heart. Ohh-no that's the baby's heart too."

For a few seconds I listened to my heart and my baby's beating at the same time. The slow and steady thump of mine weaved together with the strong hurried pace of my baby's. A beautiful harmony.

A scripture from Mosiah came to mind:

". . .their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another."

Each of us has a signature heart beat all our own. Families, I think tend to run on the same frequency, but there are slight variations amongst the members. These subtle differences can combine to form a beautiful symphony when we are unified in love one towards another; yet, when pride and frustration color the tones of our hearts it produces a harsh, discordant sound. The dissonance has us competing for first chair, rather than blending our unique harmonies to form a more congruent whole.

This amazing experience we are on has increased the love and unity our immediate and extended family feels, one for another. What an amazing change one tiny little heart has produced.

Truly, from small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

Thank you for opening your hearts to us. We're loving the sound.

Day 16: Attitude of Gratitude

It's 4 a.m. I can't sleep--so I have wrote (more like adapted) you all a song concerning the difficulties of my predicament right now.

See, my dietitian informs me that I need to gain weight (I won't tell you how little I've gained this pregnancy--you mothers would cringe and cover your eyes), and I realized that this might be the only chance I get to make you all jealous.

Ha, ha, ha--(evil laugh)

(To the tune of It's the Hard Knock Life from the musical Annie-and a one, and a two, and a. . .)

It's the hard-knock life for me!
It's the hard-knock life for me!

'Steada apples,
I get cake,
'Steada bananas
Chocolate milkshakes

It's the hard-knock life!

Got no fat to speak of, so,
Eat all I want to grow!

Bagels 'n' smeare
'Steada toast
Bacon 'n' sausage
Sunday pot roast

It's the hard-knock life!

Can you hear my stomach a growl'n?
Guess I'll take another bite!

Better eat that flaky pastry
It's so wrong it can't be right!

Dietitian's there when your plates all clean!
Only cares if you grow. . .or if you shrink!
One more bite and I swear I'll turn green!
After all this eatin' and she wants me to have an Ensure drink!

Ohhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Full belly life!
Always eatin' life!
Full of heartburn life!
More tomorrow life!

Exercise I never see
Jillian Michaels, what's that?
Who's she?

Piece a cheesecake? Just a smidge
Save the rest for later in the fridge!

It's the hard-knock life for me
It's the hard-knock life for me
Chocolate brownie? One more piece.
Calorie consumption must increase

IT'S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE!
____________________

Hate me yet? Ok, it honestly isn't this bad--thinking of food actually makes me want to throw up but we might as well appreciate the irony of the situation right?

(Also, my dietician is amazing--I love her, but today she got to play the bad guy. So Sorry!)

Day 15: Attitude of Gratitude

Parting is such sweet sorrow. . .

Sorry for my two followers checking the blog wondering if we went into crisis mode--all is well.

I got to see my family today. I'm pretty sure that is what heaven will be like (maybe with the ability to sit up and walk as well).

My two year old and I got to play pretend monsters for an hour while my husband and mother-in-law toured the NICU. Colton used his harmonica to scare off the 'monstees' whenever they came.

It was like I got to cross this day off without ever going through it. Week 25 here we come.
That is something worth being grateful about.

Day 14: Attitude of Gratitude

Once in a blue moon, back in the furthest corner of my mind I'll catch myself wondering if I am to blame for what's happening right now--then I slap myself, order a milkshake and go back to my cross-word puzzle or book.

We live in a 'point the finger' society where the blame game is more popular than Monday Night Football. At the root of every failed venture, policy, program and career a face and a name are assigned responsiblility and branded 'blame-worthy'.

It's my teacher's fault I got that grade.

I wasn't raised to know better.

If so and so hadn't done that, I wouldn't have done this and that.

I'm a bad person, I'm a bad parent, I'm a bad employee, bad, bad, bad.

Yes, even we can become our own worst accusers. Maybe it is our nature to want an explanation, or an intrinsic desire for justice--I don't really know. But I am realizing today how poisonous this mindset of ascribing blame can be and that it has us pouring salt in each others wounds (and in our own for that matter) rather than following the Savior's example to forgive. I have been guilty of this--just ask those closest to me. I hope to be less so in the future.

I am so grateful Heavenly Father opened my eyes today and helped me see this. I hope that through this trial I can follow the example of a pupil who took a Master Class on not seeking blame-Job.

Day 13: Attitude of Gratitude

I have zero profound thoughts to offer up today.

Today has been so. . .uneventful. I love it.

Baby's kicking, family is good, I feel great--

I love boring days

boring is good. so good.

Can I have one month more full of days like today? Please?

I hope you are having a boring, simple, 'nothin' out of the ordinary kind of day too.

Aren't they so nice?

Day 12: Attitude of Gratitude

The Upside to being Down on Bedrest
commentary on the benefits of being a couch potato

Apparently when you lay around 24-7 your body gets confused. You start losing muscle mass (I knew those two steroid shots in my hind quarters were a blessing!), you pretty much lose your appetite with little to no energy being expended, you are a sure-fire candidate for heartburn, inevitable plumbing department issues (we'll leave it at that. hello? anyone still reading?), and of course the lack of movement turns you into a zombie.

The last one is a huge blessing and I'll tell you why. . .

When you don't need as much sleep, and you wake up in the middle of the night there isn't a whole lot to do besides count the ceiling tiles (22 whole pieces, 33 partial tiles in my room FYI), and read your scriptures. I prefer the later.

Multiple nights I'll wake up and a long-forgotten story from the scriptures will pop into my head.

These stories have been tender mercies.

Monday was a long day full of reality checks. Meeting with the anesthesiologist to discuss emergency procedures during labor, learning that this little one still only has a 30% chance of intact survival, getting shots and IV's ready for emergency delivery, talking to the doctors about all the complications at this point in the game, really fun stuff.

By nighttime I was spent, but rest eluded me. By 2 a.m. I was up and reading from Mark's account about the Daughter of Jairus. Quick recap.

Jairus, a leader of the synagogue has a daughter at the point of death. In haste, he seeks out the Savior who has been teaching nearby and pleads that He come quickly to attend to his dying child. During their interaction, leaders of the synagogue rush to Jairus's side, informing him that his beloved daughter is gone and there is no point in troubling the Master with it.

Immediately, the Savior turns to Jairus and says, "Be not afraid, only believe."

Jairus has a choice. He can listen to these men telling him the facts--your daughter is dead, it's too late, there is no hope, nothing can be done. Or. . .he can listen to this Jesus of Nazareth telling him, "Don't be scared--hold on to that faith that brought you this far."

We know what Jairus chooses: faith. And in that moment I knew what my choice was too.

I know the facts. I know the odds.

But Heavenly Father has brought us this far and it is not in His program to forsake His children. He has seen me through every other trial--He is not going to fail me now. And He isn't going to fail you. It doesn't matter how big or small your problems are, He is aware of them and the pain of your suffering is graven on the palms of His Son's hands. But sometimes waiting is hard. I found a lot of comfort from the following, given by Sister Ann M. Dibb in Conference:

"As we wait, we may begin to believe that we have been forsaken or that our prayers were not heard or that possibly we are not worthy to have them answered. This is not true. I love King David’s comforting words: “I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry” (Psalm 40:1)."

So I will wait.

Day 11: Attitude of Gratitude

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
-Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Things I find funny about my current situation:
(don't worry, nothing crude, maybe slightly embarrassing though)

1. My idea of getting all 'gussied' up is to take a shower (every other day if I am lucky) where I actually wash my hair and attempt to shave.

2. My frequent trips to the doctor are turning my son into a slight hypochondriac.
A frequent conversation he has using his foot as a phone (prefers right leg for emergency calls apparently):

"Heh-woe Gock-er. My name my Coe-ton--my stumb es boe-kun. Okay, Bye-bye."
(Translation: Hello Doctor, My name is Colton. My thumb is broken. Okay. Bye-Bye)

3. Me, former fitness girl now consider rolling my ankles, flexing my calves and lifting my laptop or meal tray a full-body workout. Ha, ha!

4. My hospital room is stationed in the Bermuda Triangle of cell phone service. Solitary confinement for this one.

5. How the phrase 'past due date' went from sounding like a dirty joke to the most wonderful thing in the world.

6. My parents can tell people that their daughter is involved with some heavy drug use--and they couldn't be more thrilled about it.

7. That I've gone from chasing a toddler and cooking three meals a day to laying around on the job and ordering all of my meals on a phone. (Don't get the mac & cheese if you stay here--I hear it's a no-go)

8. That my husband who was obsessed with McDonald's as a child will be staying at a Ronald McDonald House whenever he visits me--three cheers for all those Happy Meals!

9. The irrate look on my son's face when he realized I was using his diapers to help prevent having to change the sheets three times a day.

"I wount Coe-ton's guy-per" (We are trying to figure out why he refers to himself in 3rd person)

10. And finally, how many people I throw off when I refer to the baby as 'they' or 'them' since we don't know if this little one is a boy or girl. "There's more than one?!"
I'm working on it--my goal is not to do it once today.

Laughter is good medicine. I'll go through this either way--might as well be happy.

I'm grateful for humor. . .and for everyone of YOU. Have a laugh today--it will do ya good!

Day 10: Attitude of Gratitude

Have you ever heard the term 'metacognition'? It's a nice word--one to add to the vocab. list when you want to sound like you know what you are talking about. Anyway, metacognition is defined as "cognition about c0gnition"or more simply put "thinking about thinking". Have you ever thought about that--that you can think about the way you think. More importantly, that because of this ability to think outside the box that is your brain, you can change the way you think--manipulate it.

That, to me--is intelligence. It's like pulling your car off on the side of the road, turning down the radio and pulling out the map to make sure you are headed in the right direction. We all do it whether we are conscious of it or not--pretty powerful stuff.

That is what I thought about as I stared at my bedroom walls this morning wondering when the next time would be I would sleep in my own bed. And when I kissed my son goodbye amidst his crying and clinging to my neck sobbing 'Mama'. When I saw the ground for the first time in a week as my husband drove the hour and a half distance to the hospital and again when they wheeled me into my hospital room and gave me blood-work, an IV, my first round of steroids, and paperwork. And finally when I saw the torn look on my sweetheart's face as he walked out of my room and back into the real world.

Yup, I thought about metacognition. And I think that it isn't so much about going through an experience as it is about letting the experience go through us.

To win the prize of this race we call life you have to be a finisher and I want to be like the apostle Paul and say that in terms of this leg of the journey I 'fought the good fight'.

So as we round the corner after our first lap, let me just say thank you. We've made it this far in large part because of you: our cheering section. And more importantly because God has willed it so--for that, I am truly grateful today.

Have a wonderful Monday!

Day 9: Attitude of Gratitude

Being a Mom is the greatest blessing in my life.

I've taken it for granted for a long time.

Somewhere along the way I got down in the trenches of mommy-hood and forgot to peek my head out of the foxhole. I was so wrapped up in my world of spit-up, schedules and sleeplessness that I started losing ground. Maybe you can relate.

I saw myself getting more impatient with my husband and toddler, and then feeling guilt for that impatience, and then asking the Lord to help me be more patient and blindly wondering why I couldn't seem to scale the mole-hills in my life. So I tucked my head further down in the foxhole and tried harder. And sometimes it worked. There would be days where I'd get everything I wanted to done, take care of my family, never get upset at my child--it was wonderful. But then bad days would surface and I was back at square one.

And then something happened. . .

Two weeks ago my doctor told me that the baby inside of me, the one I'd planned on wasn't going to live.

I realized that I wasn't going to get to hold this infant in my arms, sing them to sleep, watch them roll over, kiss their velvet skin, take them to the park, and a million other things. How sacred and special every kiss, and cuddle, and moment I had been blessed with my two year old to have appeared now. All those things I'd taken for granted--how trivial and stupid things like spit-up, schedules, and sleeplessness became.

I don't know why it took something like this to wake me up, but I am so grateful Heavenly Father allowed this to happen. Mother's Day will never be the same. The way I mother will never be the same. I see my husband and child so differently now--it's like I've been given new eyes.

Happy Mother's Day.

Day 8: Attitude of Gratitude

Happy Mother's Day weekend! It's all about Moms around here so we'll make this a two-part series in honor of.

(quick apology on the random pics. i am using my laptop that has misc. pictures--working with what I've got here. sorry!)

“The love of a true mother comes nearer [to] being like the love of God than any other kind of love” (“The Love of Mother,” Improvement Era, Jan. 1910, 278)

I think that there are several women in my life who have exemplified this kind of love, so to me motherhood encompasses many--most importantly, there is the woman who gives life to you, selflessly raises you and is your constant well-wisher. There is the mother-in-law who fans her wings out a little further to shield you from the storms of life and considers you her own.

There are the Aunts waiting quietly on the sidelines, ever ready to help, encourage, and support. There are those magical Grandmothers who embody wisdom and kindness--who are biased in seeing only your good points and from whom you rarely ever hear criticism or receive reprimand.

And then there are those special ones--be they a teacher, a ward member or a woman in the community who in whatever capacity, and for whatever length of time provides that nurturing and guiding influence we are initially exposed to in the arms of our Mother.

So thank heaven for Moms. Thank heaven for mine.

Day 7: Attitude of Gratitude

While I Said My Prayers

by Hillary Calaway

My heart beats perfectly over 100,000 times a day,

2 million working parts in my eye coordinate without delay

200 muscles are employed for every step I gain

By nerves 170 mph pulses travel to my brain

Did any of this occur to me

while I said my morning prayers?

Or was I more concerned about

sharing with the Lord my cares.

Everyday my body produces 300 billion cells

And my nose alone recalls 50,000 different smells

The thigh bones that I use to walk are stronger than concrete

In 24 hours 23,040 breaths my lungs complete.

But did this enter in my mind

while I said my morning prayers?

Or do I as the hypocrite

Tritely put on airs.

3 bones the size of a penny help me to hear sound

While 43 muscles collaborate to pull off a single frown

10,000 taste buds on my tongue let me savor food

Red blood cells last for 120 days after they debut.

So why did none of this come up

while I said my morning prayers?

Perhaps with God my focus has drifted

from maintenance to repairs.

How fragile are the tabernacles

that house our spirits here

And how quickly I've forgotten

that it all can disappear.

Our days on earth are numbered

and time keeps ebbing on

May I be less guilty of ingratitude

with every passing dawn.

Today I am most thankful for my body and the one that's still growing inside of me. I hope you have a terrific weekend and enjoy the body you've been given regardless of its perceived flaws. I've been reminded that they are a gift, and not a given.