I feel like I just climbed out of the ring from a 9 round Knock Out with Mike Tyson. Whew!
No worries--I still have both of my ears.
The following is from a letter sent to some family members recounting an experience I had my first weekend on bed rest:
You know, I used to consider myself a pretty spiritual person—someone that tries to stay close to the Spirit, reads her scriptures and studies them intently, says her daily prayers, goes to church, pays tithing, on and on. Then I had this happen.
Do you remember the story of Peter walking on water? So the Savior has concluded teaching a multitude and tells his disciples to go ahead of him and set sail to reach the other side of the body of water they are by in a boat while he finishes up, which they do. That night, they see what appears to be a ghost walking upon the water, realizing as it draws nearer that it is the Savior himself approaching. Peter calls out to the Lord and leaves the boat in an act of faith to draw closer to the Lord. He’s walking on water (he’s who I thought I was—a good person with great faith and testimony trying to get back to the Savior) when a slight wind comes up. His confidence is shaken, his faith wavers and he begins to sink. He calls out to the Savior, “Save me” to which our wise Older Brother replies, “Oh ye of little faith.”
Peter’s faith falters at the slightest wind. How is this so? I now understand and will see Peter very differently—because there was a life on the line. Because in Peter’s eyes it was desperate peril, he was about to be overtaken by the storm and the waves raging around him. When he started to sink, I would bet you money he took his eyes off of the Savior and looked down—and the thought of what he might lose terrified him.
HE TOOK HIS EYES OFF OF THE SAVIOR!
I did the same thing this week. I had been up and down emotionally all weekend—high, low, high, low. One minute I was fine, the next I was in despair. Then one night I went to the bathroom, saw more leaking and bleeding (no more than usual), but it was enough to act as that wind for Peter. I looked down, saw what I could lose, and took my eyes off the Savior. I laid back down and plead through the night with God and this story of Peter I shared came to mind. As I read the account I heard the Lord saying to me, “Oh ye of little faith.” And I thought, I really am of little faith. In a moment of weakness I forgot the countless tender mercies He has shown me these past few weeks . . . my whole life really. My eyes are SO used to seeing in terms of this world.
Okay, so that was a month ago.I really thought I had gotten my sea legs, was even going to blog about it and then last night happened. Pretty much same scenario. I start bleeding a lot and it gets to me.
Granted this go around I know that I have to keep my focus on the Savior-okay.
So for 5 of the longest, hardest hours of my life, I spiritually tread water barely keeping my nose above the deep that threatens to overtake me. This isn't just in my head--I am fighting something real and it is taking everything I've got to keep it at bay.
By 4 a.m. I am crying and I've hit my wall. I tell Heavenly Father I can't swim much longer-I am beaten up with a bloody nose (literally, ha ha--my nose is bleeding all over).
By 5 a.m. I am sleeping.
By 8 a.m. I am in my bathroom almost crying when I see the bleeding has stopped.
You know, Peter’s life was never really in danger—neither is mine or my baby’s. No one is going to be lost here. Yes, it is true that my baby might not survive and be with me during my sojourn here but this child has never for one moment been lost. I am in my life-boat making my way across this life, and the Savior is beckoning for me to come to him—do I let the wind of this storm overcome me and stop me from reaching Him? Do I let the fear screaming in my ears drowned out the faith I know I have? I can’t—there’s no choice. I have to keep going.
and so do you.
7 comments:
Hill, thanks for the reminder. I think there are way too many times in my life that I have taken my eyes off the Savior and think, "I can do this by myself. I'm fine." And then, just as I am about to sink into despair, I raise my eyes toward Him and realize, I cannot do it without him. I need him more than I know. And then, life gets better and things work out and once again, my faith is strengthened. Thank goodness for a loving, caring Heavenly Father. Love you!
I personally think a good cry goes a long way. We lost a baby almost 5years ago when I was 5 months pregnant, I still cry about it at times. In fact, I've cried about it more after than at the time it happened. I have my thoughtful moment and then go on. It's OK to feel scared, the trick is to not let it pull you down. I am very proud of your attitude, you are doing an amazing thing. Know though that moments of despair are normal and also I believe, part of the learning process of exercising faith.
Hillary, the amount of faith you have exercised the past month is unmeasurable. You are an example to all of us. The Lord is going to continue to bless you through this trial because of your faithfullness. Many would have given up long ago and your strength amazes me. Love and pray for you all the time.
hello hillary, my name is Lori, i got referenced to your blog by Amanda Knickerbocker. I had two little girls one at 26 weeks (after 5 weeks of hospital bed rest) and the other at 25 weeks (after a week of hospital bedrest). I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, but I admire your attitude. It's so easy to lose faith and be downtrodden, this situation is hard and emotionally taxing, for sure. If you ever want to talk please feel free to email me lori (dot) aston (at) gmail (dot) com.
sending prayers and good vibes your way!
Hillary, I loved your post! Isn't it so interesting how the Lord helps us to grow as we continually exercise our faith in Him. And that is just it. It's faith in Him. Not faith in what we want to happen, or what we hope to happen, it's faith that He knows what and when will happen and that it will be what is best for us. Even if it's not what we thought. And we continue in our faith, trusting Him through our pain until that one day we look back and recognize for ourselves how much we grew, how much we learned, how much our Savior loves us and how right He was and always is.
I believe there is a reason for everything and I appreciate your example through this difficult trial in your life. It's funny how our trials turn out to become our greatest blessings. I've seen my children suffer from making wrong choices, or being hurt by someone else and I've cried right along with them. In those moments, I know, that our Heavenly Father does not want to see us suffer, but he knows for us to become who we REALLY are, these sufferings are good for us. I loved what you said, "My eyes are SO used to seeing in terms of this world." I know that through my trials, my eyes have become more opened so that I can see more through my spiritual eyes than my earthly eyes and I have been SO grateful!
I thought of you today and put your name in the temple. We're praying for you!
I have been reading your daily entries and am amazed at your strength. Thank you for being such a wonderful example of enduring to the end and of being a spiritual giant through your trials.
We've beem gone for a couple days so I'm catching up. This is so beautiful, you are such an awesome writer, so good with your words. You are such an awesome teacher. You're trail is teaching all of you readers. Thank you!
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