Shiloh could have been perfectly healthy/he could have been severely impaired, I should have never taken that nap the day he died (you have no idea how many times I've night-mared myself with this one)/I should be 36 weeks along this weekend, I would have loved him just as much if he had lived/I would not be the same person if he had survived.
I try really hard not to live in Coulda-Shoulda-Woulda Land. . .that place full of lost possibilities and unmet expectations. It is like the dentist's office of mental monologues--it only spells p-a-i-n. I have to conscientiously remember to book a round trip flight whenever I venture abroad to this dismal destination.
When I met with my (plug in any adjective of your choosing that means perfect and lovely here) doctor today she gave us the test results they ran on Shiloh after he was delivered. The geneticist report said:
NO CHROMOSOMAL ABNORMALITIES
Basically this translates into what we all thought=Shiloh was a healthy little boy.
They are classifying his death as a cord accident (i.e. maybe he laid on the cord wrong, maybe the cord wasn't formed right, on and on). Bottom line is that it is very rare even in cases like mine. Shiloh beat the odds in both directions.
Up, up and away I flew into the Shoulda region of Never-Never Land (most dangerous zone if you ask me). I hovered there a minute or two, then did a rapid descent into reality and gut-checked myself with this thought:
"No amount of shouldas, or wouldas, or couldas are bringing Shiloh back. BE GRATEFUL Hill. It is what it is. Thank your Heavenly Father that Shiloh is a part of your life at all. Be happy you got the time you did unlike the millions of others out there who don't make it to 28 weeks, or who lived in a time when still-born children were considered morbid and these situations were swept under the rug. Live in today--not yesterday and not tomorrow. Today."
Shiloh, my little man--I honor you best by fighting in the cause of truth. I won't let the battle of possibilities distort the truth:
You lived. You died. You live. . .and I love you.
3 comments:
Wow. No chromosomal abnormalities. He was perfect just like you felt in your heart. That information leaves you with a little bit to digest. But you are so right about the coulda, shoulda, woulda land that we all visit from time to time. You are so wise in your observations and conclusions. Shiloh will always be a part of you on this earth and with you eternally in the next life. In the meantime my prayer for you and Blaine is that you will have a piece of joy in your heart this very day knowing how much you are loved.
Mom
Oh the "should have" game. You SHOULD be super proud of yourself for every little thing you did. That's what you should do. Of course, that's not always the way it works, so just remember, on those days that you THINK you could have done more/different/whatever-- I KNOW you did everything you could. And so does Shiloh.
I hate those could woulda shoulda days. They just put a damper on things. :) My favorite line of yours is this- "You lived. You died. You LIVE..." He does live. And even though it probably doesn't make things any easier, it still provides that comfort that gets you through the hard times. Keep at it. You're doing amazing.
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